Wed 6/3

quiet day here in hospital land.

Natalie slept awesome last night. She just woke up once to eat as normal. She is definitely more bright eyed today and seeming more like herself.

I slept somewhat restlessly but still got a few hours in.

Tomorrow the urine culture will have grown enough for them to know what kind of oral antibiotic to put her on. I'm guessing Friday-ish to come home but of course that's just a guess.

Monday we will come back and they will take her to the OR to do a scope of her bladder to maybe figure out what's going on to cause these frequent UTIs. That should just be an outpatient procedure.

After our last hospital stay someone asked me, "Don't you feel so much stronger after all you've been through with Natalie?" At the time i said, "yeah I guess." Thinking about it afterwards I didn't really feel strong. I felt beaten down, weak and tired. But I knew that the feelings of strength would come and they have started to. It's like when you work a muscle really hard and it gets tired and sore but then once it heals and recovers it's stronger than before.

Another friend made an observation I so appreciated and have latched on to. At this time when I was feeling not as strong as I wanted to be, she pointed out how much I have grown in my ability to talk with the doctors and participate in Natalie's care and handle the whole hospital/health care experience. I had not specifically thought about that before but when she said that I was able to recognize it and it felt empowering to me. I could think back to how intimidated and overwhelmed I felt the first time we walked into the NICU after Natalie was born. We have certainly come a long way since then.

I used to be very intimidated to even push the nurse call light button. I used to feel like anyone who walked in the room wearing scrubs or a name badge must be listened to and obeyed immediately and without question. I've have learned oh-so-much since then.

Here are a few things I've said in the past couple of days without any reservation that I would have been very timid about saying just a few months ago. Maybe to some of you these don't seem like a big deal but for a shy gal like me it is a big thing to be able to speak up and be an advocate for my little patient:

* She just fell asleep, can you check her blood pressure later?

* I'm feeding my baby, can you come back another time to talk to me?

* Fleece seems to irritate her skin, can we change out the blanket in her crib?

* They took her temperature and said it was normal but she feels very warm to me, can we recheck it?

* I have my own diaper cream from home that I'd like to use for her.

* She will probably be ready to sleep soon, is there anything you need to do now so we don't have to bug her later?

* The IV machine is beeping can someone come take care of it?

I am also much more comfortable talking with the doctors and asking questions. I've learned not to be hard on myself when I think of more questions as soon as they leave the room. It seems to be part of the process. They come, we talk, I ask questions, they leave, I think about the conversation and more questions come up. I don't worry now because I know they'll get answered. That's another big thing I've learned.....things take time. You don't have to have all the answers right now. Things will get worked out and sometimes there's nothing to do but wait.

Okay, enough of my ponderings for now.

"Living the gospel does not mean that we will everlastingly escape adversity. Rather, it means that we will be prepared to face and endure adversity more confidently."

(Elder Rafael E. Pino)