Tuesday 1/20

I just saw Natalie again! I was going to come up tomorrow but the nurses told us she was getting low on milk so I came up tonight and I'll stay in my guest house room (so grateful for that!) and spend part of the day up here tomorrow. I didn't leave until after our girls were in bed so I was able to do our normal night time routine with them. My Mom came down this afternoon to stay the night at our house and be with Katie and Annabelle tomorrow until I get home.

They've taken Natalie totally off the paralyzing medicine. She was asleep when I saw her but her nurse said she was alert earlier and enjoyed being talked to. Her eyes were open and she moved her arms around. I can't wait to see her awake! I told the nurse to call me in the middle of the night if Natalie is alert like that again...I want to see her and for her to see her Mommy. The nurse also said that she seemed like she must be a good content baby so she must have been awake enough for her sweet little personality to come through. The nurse said they plan on taking her off the ventilator tomorrow. Before they can do that they have to cut down on her morphine level and make sure she tolerates that okay so I'm not sure how long of a process that is.

I actually got dressed and did my hair and makeup today. I'm sure I'll digress to a bathrobe and bedhead once there is a newborn in the house but for today it was nice to feel a little more human.

It's weird to be back in hospital mode again after being home. In some ways this all feels like a crazy dream. I feel like I need to re-bond with Natalie. Looking at her tonight I felt like, "Is she really mine? Did I really hold her and feed her? Will she know me and want me when she wakes up or will I be just another face?"